So earlier this week, on the 22nd to be exact, I was really angry at myself. Angry that I haven’t been good to myself, I haven’t been as good a friend I want to be, nor have I been as good a part-time house wife as I could. I made some promises: to move more (exercise), to drink more water, to eat better, to stay up on my friends’ blogs, to manage my time better, to get back on the ball with my house. I don’t promise to become perfect overnight, but I promise to do better. I will live like the person I want to be.

How have I done? Well to be honest, pretty good. I got Google Reader up and going again and I’ve been reading blogs and commenting. Of course, I don’t have everyone on there, but this is a baby steps program for me. I feel a little bit like I know my friends better. My blogging friends, anyway. I’ve done better with water, most days. I’ve been eating better. I’ve been exercising more. My living room, kitchen, and master bathroom are extremely clean.

I’m pretty proud of myself. I’m living more like the person I want to be. And it feels great.

That is all.

Okay so I made some really bad food choices over the last few days. Not that I’ve been making such great ones lately in general, but I felt awful after what I ate last night. Just awful. Now I wake up this morning just plain mad and disgusted with myself. Seriously, I had lost 30 pounds and look at me. Just look at me. I have gained most of it back. I’m so angry and ashamed. Yes fine it’s not my fault I hurt my back, but that shouldn’t have been an excuse to eat like crap. I could have still been eating well even if I couldn’t do much for exercise. But I didn’t. I didn’t eat smart.

Why is it so hard for me? My schedule changes and the routine falls apart. My back hurts and I don’t want to make it hurt more. Well I’ve decided that I just need to get over it. I’ll deal with some pain and not push too hard, but I have to do something. I can’t be this fat person. I just can’t. I hate looking in the mirror, I miss the way I looked when I was 176 pounds. I need to turn this disgust with myself into motivation. If I did it once, I can do it again, right?

I have this amazing network of people, Mamavation, and I’m ashamed to even show my face. I hide when things start to go downhill. What’s the point in that? How does that do me any good? Why should I expect others to support me when I’m not so good with consistency myself? What kind of an example am I setting? My word.. how lame am I?

So. I’m done whining. Now I have to figure out how I’m going to do this again. How am I going to change my eating habits again? How am I going to keep my family interested in meals? How do I get my husband on board? He needs to lose a lot more than I do. It feels like I’m the only one worried about his health and that scares me.

Well. It’s back to the drawing board. What to eat. When and how to exercise. Time to plan. I’m done venting now. I just have to do this, and so I am.

**Afternoon update

Yeah so I got pretty mad at myself. Obviously. I went to the YMCA and sweat it off and thought a lot. Today I promise: to move more (exercise), to drink more water, to eat better, to stay up on my friends’ blogs, to manage my time better, to get back on the ball with my house. I don’t promise to become perfect overnight, but I promise to do better. I will live like the person I want to be.

I measured my tortellini and pesto and followed it up with fresh carrots and cucumbers for lunch. I’ve had over 40 oz of water (so far). At the gym I spent 40 minutes on the arc trainer. And now I’m going to get off here and do some chores. Today is a new day.

I’ve got that song from “Finding Nemo” stuck in my head. Remember Dory singing, “just keep swimming, just keep swimming,” and so on. It’s like that except I’m trying to remind myself to keep moving.

Now that I’m over the initial week of EA Sports Active 2, the crazy soreness has subsided and I’m actually able to move the day after my workout. So M, W, F, SA are EA Sports days while TU, TH are YMCA cardio days. I plan to possibly “rest” on Sundays.

After my first week and a half…well…I gained 2 pounds. That’s pretty frustrating. There’s a really good chance that it’s just all muscle gain as I have been noticing more solidity to my body (less squish, more solid means less fat, more muscle). I’m not sure how much “fat” I’ve lost, but I’m pretty sure it’s been replaced two fold with muscle. My muscles tend to rebound fairly quickly after a period of inactivity.

I’ve been afraid to take my measurements. I used to do that every couple of weeks, however when I started gaining weight again I stopped. Now I’m afraid to see how many inches have returned. On the other hand, if I don’t suck it up and do it, I will have a more difficult time tracking my real progress. Argh! I need to get over it.

My next challenge is always the worst for me. Calorie counting. I hate doing it. I hate how time consuming it is. I hate how it makes me feel even more consumed with food. What would be ideal is a chef in my kitchen making me food to eat. “Here, eat this and it’s all you get.” No time, effort, or thought on my part. It doesn’t help that I’m a moderately picky eater with even more picky eaters in my house. While I love myself and my family, I’m not preparing two different dinners for us every day. Our budget is another problem.

Eating healthier is more expensive and January and February are rough months for us since our health insurance company decided that we need to meet deductibles on our prescriptions now! OUCH! All three of us have necessary monthly prescriptions and they are quite expensive. I know if I devote a little a time to it, I can come up with something though. Mostly I’m just whining. Sometimes it feels good to whine and get things off my mind.

I can do this. I am doing this. I am succeeding. I’ve done it before and I am doing it again NOW. Well really it started a week ago. :)

What are your favorite family pleasing healthy meals?

When I talk about balance, I’m not exactly referring to the physical kind.  Maybe you wonder where I’ve been since August, maybe you didn’t notice I was gone.  I was finding life to be overwhelming and something had to give.  It’s unfortunate that I had to take a break from anything, but twitter, Mamavation, and my blog were the things I chose to move to the back burner.

I was not completely sedentary during my time off, don’t get me wrong.  My tendinitis in my right forearm and then the subsequent blowing out of a disc in my low back had me down and out.  Wah, wah.  Life is hard sometimes.  Things happen beyond our control.  My chiropractor did well for my back, and eventually we gave up on physical therapy for the arm.  A little over a month ago they gave me a cortisone shot which has been a blessing.  There is now very little to no pain at all in my arm!  Woo hoo!!

Now while my back and arm were causing me problems, the house became a serious issue.  Bending, stooping, pushing the vacuum, washing heavy dishes (like my big skillet or crock-pot) are simple tasks we take for granted on a day-to-day basis, believe me. The bottom of the washing machine, the bottom rack of the dishwasher, and picking things up off the floor were nearly impossible or crazy painful for my back.  I thought hard about my home and the kind of keeper of it I am. The answer: not great.  My house wasn’t dirty, but it wasn’t tidy, organized, or picked up.

Enter FlyLady.  What’s FlyLady?  Learning to FLY.  ”Finally Loving Yourself.”  It’s learning how to balance life a bit including maintaining the home.  This. Is. Great.  I am so glad that a friend of mine shared this website with me.  I was suffering from CHAOS (Can’t Have Anyone Over Syndrome) but my house has been mostly presentable and nice since a few weeks before Christmas.

Now I am trying to re-implement fitness into my daily schedule as I also return to my job.  That’s all I went to blog about today.  Clean home, planned meals, fitness, job, happy family.  I know these things come easy to other moms, but doing it all is something I struggle with.  Then the first thing to take the backseat is always ME when things get hectic.  This is where I fail!

Balance.  Accountability.  Routine. I can do this.

How do you balance life and still find time for yourself and fitness?

Goodbye 2010.  Hello 2011.  I’m not a supporter of New Years Resolutions, really.  I make a resolution when I see fit.

Speaking of fit, I know I’ve been gone a while but here I am.  The end of summer 2010 brought a tremendous amount of stress, some emotional eating, some “screw it” attitude.  Then October brought me a herniated disc.  Hello PAIN!!

So the stress is gone.  The back is healed.  I’m ready and rearing to go.  Isn’t that what “they” say?

My super awesome husband ordered in EA Sport Active 2 on the playstation3 for us.  My EA Sports Active id is angelasue79 and I’d love to connect with you!  The box arrived this evening and I wasted no time getting started.  I signed up for the 9 week challenge and completed workout 1 tonight.  Due to my back injury I am keeping it on the “easy” level here for a while and I am going to play it by ear as far as ramping up the workout goes.  The absolute last thing I want to do is re-injure my back.  So I am not going to pressure myself too much but I am going to do the recommended workouts on the recommended days and also supplement that with my YMCA workouts as well.

Oh so I’m back up to 188 pounds.  This is a bit of an UGH but it’s still an overall loss of 19 and I can’t see how that is disappointing at all.  I’m staying positive and getting back on track.

Just for the record, I didn’t do anything stupid to earn my herniated disc.  I was standing still and I sneezed.  Sneeze cautiously, my friends… sneeze cautiously.

How are you doing with your weight loss goals and WHAT are you doing to achieve your goals?  Remember to set short-term goals to keep yourself focused now.

XOXO

Okay so it’s a little past midweek. Things have not gone as planned this week! Not that I should be surprised by this. My Monday bike ride went on as planned and scheduled. Hooray. Then Tuesday while I was out shopping, the company who buries cable lines went ahead and cut ours while burying the neighbors. Yeah. Super. So then Wednesday I had to go to work early and come home early to sit around and wait for the man to come fix our internet and cable. Then while I was at my normal job on Wednesday, the high school called and ask me to sub today.

Monday bike ride, check.  Tuesday…. I walked a lot while shopping and did a bunch of laundry. Does that count for anything? Wednesday FAIL. Today? I am going to take the dogs for a walk I think when the boy leaves for school. There’s just no way I’m going to have time to go to the gym.

Life is always getting in the way. Seriously!

The good news is that I’m doing great with my water this week. Go water! Hope you’re all doing well too.

Wahoo!  It’s the first day of summer and …. day 5 of me being sick.  I have a doctor’s appointment in 3 hours, thank goodness but I am sick of being sick.  Had some good plans for a workout on Friday, but I was sick.  BLAH.  Swollen glands, swollen tonsils, sore throat, lots of coughing, headaches, stuffy head.

The good news is that I’ve been drinking a ton of water!!  I’m not eating great, I’m not eating horrible.  I have no idea if I lost any weight last week as I don’t own scales in my house and obviously I haven’t been to the gym in a while.  I’ll try to check in later this week after I get to feeling better.

Um.  There’s not much else to say.  Sorry I haven’t been around much lately.  Still a lot going on here, which is neither here nor there really.  The stress is getting under control, though, so that’s a positive!

Thanks for all the awesome comments and support from all my Mamavation Moms.  I appreciate each and every one of you!! XOXO

I had a very eye-opening conversation with a good friend, we’ll call her Renee, Monday night.  She gave me permission to blog about our conversation, because it was a deeply personal conversation.  This is a long entry, but you want to read to the end.  I promise.

It started with me doing a Facebook status update about my dinner.  I made Chicken Curry for the first time, and she started asking me about it.  Then it went to how she doesn’t have a lot of skills in the kitchen.  I shared some recipes with her in a Google shared folder.  Next thing I know, we’re talking about how food picky we are, and I was surprised that she doesn’t like cake or pancakes.  Then Renee said to me, “In all honesty, I’ve struggled with an eating disorder since I was 11. :( Not cool, but have been doing better the last 2 years.”

Whoah.  I had no idea.  After she said and I had some time to reflect, I guess I shouldn’t be that surprised.  She’s thin.  But I never make assumptions.  I had a friend in high school who hated how thin she was.  She ate and ate and tried to gain weight but couldn’t.  I never pass judgement on “too thin” people anymore.  There are medical conditions that can cause that.

So back to Renee.  She’s proud of the last 2 years of doing better, but she admits she will likely never be healed.  I asked her, if it wasn’t too personal, which ED did she have?  And she said, “for a long time anorexia. then for a bit I dabbled in bulemia. Anorexia is much easier for me to control though.”

Over the last two years, Renee has tried to become more open about talking about her ED.  She says it helps her to be more held more accountable.

Me:  Do you think that has contributed to your being hypoglycemic?
Renee:  It definitely plays a huge roll in my hypoglycemia. If I keep my eating under control though I don’t usually have problems. I have to be very aware of my body and how it feels.
Me:  Let me know if there is ever anything I can do to help.
Renee:  Thanks. Just accountability. Listen for excuses and such if for long periods of time I chose not to eat.
Me:  Define “long period”.
Renee:  A ”long period” would probably be 8-10 hours for me (though we are not usually together for that long) but 3-4 hours is also long since my body will start to feel bad. I try to have a snack every few hours. Anytime I go longer than a day with food deprivation is not a good sign.
Me:  I will try and encourage you to pay attention when we hang out. But I will try not to be pushy or bossy.
Renee:   Thanks Angela. I do appreciate it.  Can I just tell you how much I appreciate being able to tell you that? Well I do!
Me:  I’m glad! I feel honored that you trust me enough.
Renee:  It’s part of the process. Trusting myself to trust others. Self esteem thing ya know…  learning and growing. Gotta do it. The recipies help too. gives me a variety to try from to help me be more comfortable with food.
Me:  I’m happy to help! I didn’t even know it was that much help .
Renee:  It is. :D And I love it! It’s been something I’ve always been ashamed to think about or tell people about, that I eat, that is.  So I try to make status updates about food, and have conversations with people about it.  It helps me realize and process that food is OK.  It’s natural, and good for me to eat it.

Is that really any different than how we feel, us who are overweight and trying to lose weight?  This was a very eye-opening comment from Renee that made me think hard about our differences and similarities in our struggles.  Obviously, anorexia is far more severe than say, the emotional eating that I deal with.  My point is, we’re both embarrassed about food and sometimes look at food as the enemy.  Back to the conversation.

Renee:  Sorry if this is kinda an intense topic.
Me:  Not at all hon.
Renee:  Just wanna mak sure my talk isn’t too much.  I try to maintain my weight. Right now, I’m pretty under weight so I try to NOT think about what goes into me too much. I eat McD’s when I want it (which isn’t often) and don’t think about what I’m ordering or the bad things I am taking in.  But I do stick by trying to et as healthy as possible so I can feel good each day.  I need to be hitting the gym to build muscle right now I think. I hate not having the motivation to do it though.  I think some added weight scares me, but I know gaining muscle would be healthy.
Me:  It’s hard to be motivated. I know that as well as anyone.  And yeah..the same thing for me! I don’t want added weight, but I want to be strong!  Do you have an idea of what your ideal weight is? Not what YOU think, but medically what is ideal?
Renee:  Medically I should be at 140. As of this morning I was 127.
Me:  That would be some amazing muscle to get you to 140. You’d be so hot!! Not that you aren’t now, of course, but nice toned muscles are sexy.
Renee:  LOL for sure. I’d love to have some firece arms and abs. Legs are alright.
Me:  Don’t take this wrong. Please. I love having this open conversation with you, but it feels so backwards!! LOL I’m trying to lose weight and trying to encourage you about gaining healthy weight.
Renee:   Is it hard for you?
Me:  I’m so happy to help you in any way at all.  We have the same goals heading in different directions.  Being healthy, eating healthy, and having a healthy relationship with food. I’m an emotional eater. I have to remember that food does not make me feel better.
Renee:  Right. I have many friends who are in the same boat as you. My husband included. Some have made the coice to not be in a position to help me, and I get that completely. Its something very hard for me and others to deal with.
Me:  I got your back sister.
Renee:  Well thank you. And I have yours as well. I hope you know that. I try very hard to forget about my food relationship and encourage others in their goals.
Me:  I think you and I can really help each other.
Renee:  I’d definitely have to agree with you on that.
Me:  Do you mind if I blog about you, but of course I won’t use your name at all. This is a good conversation for me to share with my other weight loss friends.
Renee:  Oh sure. That’s fine.
Me:  Thank you. I think it will be good for others to consider another perspective. I think sometimes us overweight girls take for granted that we are the only ones struggling with food and our weight sometimes, you know what I mean?
Renee:  You’re right. People with eating disorders can be very hard to understand whether it’s over eating or starvation. Not everyone can grasp it, so it’s good to hear about it since they are so “secretive”.  I’m so glad we can have this conversation.

Me too.  I learned a lot from this short conversation, and think Renee and I have a lot more to learn from each other.  After this part of the conversation she expressed how much better she was feeling, and our talk gave her some motivation to head to the gym and work on putting on those muscles.  I gave her some advice that was given to me to take in some lean protein shortly after a lifting session to help rebuild the muscle tissue more quickly.  She thanked me for the tip and said, “keep sharing with me. I love the help!”

I will, my friend.  I will.  I am looking forward to have more open conversations with Renee, and have a feeling that we have found a big reason why we were brought together as friends.  It saddens me that she has “friends” who won’t talk to her about her anorexia, who won’t listen.  I am not envious of her being thin, I am not envious that she can avoid food.

You never know who needs you out there.  You never know what the “skinny” person at the gym is going through.  I encourage you not to pass judgement, but reach out.  Be a friend.  Listen.  Learn.

Hi ladies.  I have a few confessions to make.  I fell off the wagon and gained a few pounds back.  I’m still under 180 which is great in the big picture.  I needed help and was ashamed to ask for it.  Ashamed to ask for help when I haven’t been around to even be supporting the rest of you.  Ashamed that I was feeling like a bad Sista and I didn’t deserve to be called a Sista.  Sometimes I don’t feel like I deserve to be in the Sistahood at all.  Enough of that, time to move on.

My life has been very busy lately, it’s been hard to make time for everything I want to achieve in a day, hard to make time for blogs and twitter.  I’ve been working more, busy in the evenings with obligations and not home on the weekends for almost a whole month.  I feel squashy.

Monday came around and this beauty showed up for me in a big box from the man in brown.

TrekI wrote a bit about our maiden voyage on Friday.  It’s been rainy since, so we haven’t yet gone on another adventure together, but Monday is looking pretty good and I don’t have to work.  Not at my job anyway.

So now I’m a PetSaver instructor (pet first aid and CPR) and I need somewhere to teach my classes.  It seemed like a good idea to ask my contact over at the YMCA in my area.  Although it won’t work out for me to hold my classes there, I was asked to write a testimonial for the annual report.  WHOAH!!  That’s freaking cool, and offers me a lot of accountability right now.  This is just what I needed to help me get back on track since I was too much of a chicken to reach out to the Sistahood.

Balance.  I still continue to struggle with balancing my life, but I will try and figure it out.  Planning is going to be essential.  I’ve made a proposal to my friends at the YMCA which I’m not going to talk about right now.  But it will provide me with huge amounts of accountability if it works out.  Plus you’ll hear me talking about the Y tons more if this works out, too.

I have a lot of catching up to do, so I really would love for you to leave a comment and let me know how you’re doing.  And please accept my apologies for my absence lately.

Here’s looking forward to a great show tomorrow evening, all about plateaus!  That should come in handy for me right now.  I am working on getting past this “mental” plateau.  Ha.  Can’t wait to hear how our Mamavation Moms are doing on their campaign!

What’s happening out there with you today?  I was so tired when I did my post last night, I hardly remember what I wrote!

I was originally supposed to work today, however that was changed at the last minute when I was working yesterday.  The joys of subbing!  I actually really like subbing; the flexibility is awesome.  So instead of working, I worked out!  I went over to the neighbor’s house and we did the “Start it Up” portion of the Slim in 6 series from Beachbody.  It’s a 24 minute aerobic workout with push-ups and sit-ups too.  Then we decided to also the the “Slim & Limber” portion which is a lot of yoga type stretching.  I’m feeling pretty good.

Food journal.  I need to keep one.  Does anyone know a good android app for that?  Yesterday I did great.  Breakfast: whole grain english muffin, half slice cheese, poached egg, banana, glass oj, coffee.  Lunch: 160 calorie can of soup w/ lots of veggies, yogurt, Clementine.  Dinner: orzo, chicken, garlic, tomatoes and spices.  I also drank my full 8 glasses of water.  I’m VERY pleased with this day, except that I was missing a healthy afternoon snack.  I need to get some at the store.  I am open to ideas.  I’ll post what I eat today in tomorrow’s post.  I think that will work good for me.  Admitting out loud what I eat will help keep me in check.  I threw the stoopid cookies in the garbage today.  Don’t tell my son.

My confidence (not arrogance) is going through the roof.  I am working out more consistently than I ever have before.  Food is always a work in progress.  And my goals are in sight.  My goals have never been in sight before.

I owe a lot to my sister  for getting me started on this amazing journey.  You can read all about her here: Bodhi Bear.  She’s an amazing woman, and I’m SO glad that my brother married her.  She’s technically my sister-in-law but I don’t feel right calling her that.  We have an amazing relationship and a very strong bond.  She’s my sister.

My Mamavation thing is going good, I think.  I’ve been made a Sista.  I know that I mentioned that last night, but it is a big deal to me.  It has been recognized that I am changing my bad habits into good ones, and trying to help other moms too, while also asking for help for myself.  We are all in this together.  What I learn from my Fit Friends, I am going to share with my neighbor.  She’s my workout partner most of the time and she’s fighting with me.  I’ll share with anyone else who wants my help, too.

Watch out summer!! I’m going to be a new woman by the time you arrive.  My lake friends are going to be amazed and ask me how I did it.  They will notice, without a doubt, that I am healthier and hawtter.  Yeah.  I said hawt..ter.  I’m actually looking forward to shopping for a swimsuit this summer.

Never give up.  Talk about losing weight in the present, not the future.  Talk about the changes you’re making, not the ones you want to make.

Come support me on twitter @angelasue79 join the mamavation team.  It’s not just for people trying to lose weight, but we always need the help of those who have already succeeded as well!  If you believe in me, be sure to tweet: Hey @bookieboo I want @angelasue79 as the next #mamavation mom! I support her!