We are our own worst critic. Always. Especially women. TV and magazines, blah blah blah. Yes we know they don’t help. I wanted to get real with you. Many days I have a TERRIBLE body image, my outter-self image, so to speak. I’m overweight, I’m a grown ass adult and I still get zits (what’s up with that?), and .. well yeah. I have a lazy eye sometimes. That’s kind of annoying when I notice it in pictures. And did I mention that I’m overweight?

SO WHAT!?!?! I hit one of those mirrors recently where there’s a mirror behind you and you can see your back. Damn, my hair is pretty. And it got me to thinking . o O ( Can I spend a little more time focusing on what I do like about myself? ) Yes. Yes, I can. It is so important to find a few positive things about yourself and focus on those for a while. Then work on the things you don’t like, if you can. I mean after a nine pound child, can I ever have a perfect, flat, smooth stomach? Nope. Not without the help of surgery. But is there something I can do about it? Sure.

For those of you who don’t know, I’m going to be the Best Woman in a wedding in December. Right now, I’m not focused on losing weight. I already have my dress and it can’t be altered a whole lot. But I am working on being healthier, and that starts with the way I think about myself.

 My hair. It’s kind of awesome. If it weren’t my hair, I’d be pretty jealous ofme. I’m not saying you should think that my hair is amazing, all that really matters is I find something to love about my appearance. My hair is first. I love the natural waves. I love the color. I love the way the layers work with my face.

So that’s a good start, right? Let’s examine a little further. There’s got to be something more than just my hair. Oh duh. I, personally, think my dimples are cute. I inherited those from my dad, so they are also rather sentimental to me. I got what I wanted an awful lot as a child thanks to those dimples! Things might not be so different now.

While we’re staring at my face, and please ignore the shiny skin. This is Keeping it Real, no make-up, nothing. Just me….. how about those eyes? They sure are dark! Not too bad looking. I can be pretty happy with my eyes. I like dark eyes (also from my dad). And I’d never want a nose-job. I have a good nose. Not too small, not too round, not too flat.

My next favorite asset would be my legs. For a girl my size (14-16), I have damn nice legs (I think, and that’s what we’re discussing here.

Okay… Please ignore the background. Please ignore that little dust bunny under my bed. What I see here are pretty muscular and toned legs. Not much for cellulite going on there, no cottage cheese, so to speak. I um.. didn’t take a picture of the unflattering part where my thighs rub together when I walk.. no. I didn’t do that because I’m focusing on what I like. I am not embarrassed to wear shorts in the summer.

Check me out. I have some assets. I’m not fishing for compliments. I already like these things about me. The question is: How about you? I want you to comment on this blog and tell me only something positive that you like about the way you look. I want you to promise me that if you can’t think of anything right now, you’ll spend a little time over the next week finding something to love when you look in the mirror. Promise?

A healthy body starts with a healthy mind. Oohhh I like that.

This morning I knew I wanted to write a blog post, but I wasn’t sure on a topic. Rain canceled my plans with my dad today, so I decided to do a yoga DVD from Rodney Yee and Gaiam. Just after completing the workout, it hit me. Yoga is my topic.

The Beginning

Yoga for me began in 2009 when I visited my brother and sister-in-law in Boulder. At the time, my sis was still working on obtaining her teacher certificate. I had said that I would like to do a yoga session with her during my visit, and thus began my journey. What I loved, other than having a bonding moment with my brother’s wife, was how I felt energize and yet relaxed at the same time. I was sore for days. Proof of a great workout!

Upon returning to Indiana, I signed up for a Hatha Yoga class at my local YMCA and loved it. I loved it so much, I went on a quest for a DVD so I could practice at home. My decision was a Gaiam DVD featuring Rodney Yee. It provided me with the detailed instruction that I needed as well as two short workouts on one DVD to keep me interested.

And then I began having trouble with pain in my arms, and sort of set yoga aside. That was a mistake.

The Injury

In October of 2011 (almost a year ago), I’d begun to have a little pain in my back and didn’t think much of it until I sneezed one day. This was garage cleaning day for me. I wasn’t lifting anything. I wasn’t carrying anything. I was just standing, and I sneezed. It felt like a nuclear bomb went off in my mid-lower back. If you’ve been there, you know where this is heading. The next day I was sitting in the chiropractor’s office hearing him tell me about a disc problem. A herniated disc problem. My world came slightly crashing down around me. Okay, that’s a little dramatic. All my workouts stopped. Walking practically stopped. Sitting hut. Laying hurt. Standing hurt. I was miserable and feeling sorry for myself. Guess what? I’m an emotional eater. I gained back 20 pounds.

The Recovery

My chiropractor made a lot of money off of me over the months following my nuclear explosion, I mean herniated disc. He had me doing therapy at home on top of my regular visits. It began to hit me that many of the exercises he had me doing were yoga. Why don’t I get back into yoga? I’d heard of something called Restorative Yoga before. I didn’t know much about it, but it sounded like something that might be right for me. I was sort of right. After a bit of searching around, I located my yoga teacher from the YMCA and we began to have some one-on-one sessions following the regular class. She gave a lot of attention to my back during class to make sure I didn’t hurt myself further. So the injury was in October, and now in May I really started to feel great again. My daily pain was manageable before that, but adding in the personalized yoga instruction made the pain disappear. For the first time in months I was finally pain free.

Now I find myself wanting to dive a little further into yoga. Not just my practice, but my education, the philosophy. What exactly are the Chakras? What is the meaning behind this word Namaste. And how the heck to you pronounce all that stuff? A good friend of mine gave me a great gift for my birthday! A little book called “Yoga Chick – A Hip Guide to Everything Om”, which I am starting to read today. I think this will be a good read for me as it sounds like it is from a beginner’s perspective. She also gave me a three-pack of DVDs from Gaiam. It’s a great set with three separate 30 minute workouts: Abs, Upper Body, and Lower Body. I did the abs this morning, because that is also good for my back. I am looking forward to trying the other two DVDs over the next couple of days!

How has yoga helped you with your fitness, health, or injury rehabilitation? What are your favorite DVDs or books that you recommend?

A couple of weeks ago, I wasn’t feeling well. Nothing major, it was just some digestive issues (I’ll spare you the details) that persisted for more than 48 hours. My logic was, “if my son was having these problems for over 48 hours, I would take him to the doctor. I should offer myself the same care and concern.” So I went to the doctor. She wanted to do a blood test. And another test. I thought the other was …. not something I wanted to do. I did let her do the blood test and she gave me a prescription which cleared up the problem.

After two and a half weeks you start thinking . o O (No news is good news. Everything must be fine. I sure would have heard from the doctor by now if there was a problem a with my blood test. Groovy.) Written off. Everything is fine. Then the doctor’s office called yesterday, “we received your blood test results. Your thyroid levels are low. We’d like to do a more extensive blood test to examine your levels.” Oh. Well. That’s. Sure. Unexpected news. It could be worse.

Thyroid problems, in general, are easily diagnosed and remedied.  I don’t mind needles. It’s really not a big deal, but damn, I just had got it in my mind they weren’t going to call! And then they call! I’m frustrated! It’s also frustrating because I have been through thyroid testing before. Now my memory is foggy but it was either 2004 or 2005 (I think). We’d gotten a gym membership and I was working out and eating great and didn’t lose a single pound. So I asked the doctor about it, and he did the blood test. It came back abnormal. We did another test. It was also abnormal. It showed that I had both an overactive and underactive thyroid, which is pretty confusing. So then we moved on to the radioactive pill and uptake scan. Very expensive. And it showed a normal functioning thyroid. The specialist said, “I can tell you with confidence that when your blood test was done, something was wrong with your thyroid. I can also tell you with confidence that it is not wrong right now. I’m sorry I don’t have any answers for you. Sometimes the thyroid gets out of line and self-corrects. If it’s been off before, it will probably happen again, so call me if you notice any symptoms.”

I’m not interested in going through all that BS again. However, if the thyroid isn’t functioning properly, it can really screw up your body. So here we go again. But hey.. it could be worse.

No, I didn’t go back to middle school. My son started 6th grade a couple of weeks ago, and I tell ya what it’s a heck of an adjustment for both of us.  There are so many classes to keep track of compared to last year, so many papers, so many activities, and then his Tae Kwon Do on top of it all.

I applaud you mothers who work full-time, go to school yourself, and still pull this off.  I’m only employed part-time and I feel like it’s a struggle to keep up.

So my son has mild ADHD, which of course had me worrying about how he would adjust. Perhaps he’s made the adjustment better than I have. Perhaps changing classes every 45 minutes is what he is more suited for doing. There’s no need to focus for too long on anything. His brain gets to switch gears frequently throughout the day. It helps that his school is pretty awesome. They have a homework list available right on their website which the kid and I go over every day before we leave the school parking lot. The decision was made for him to be driven to school and picked up after so that he is less likely to forget something important. So far, it’s been worth it.

Now comes the first school dance of the year. The first school dance of his life. My first school dance as a mother. I’m not prepared for this. He’s talking about girls and wanting to wear body spray! My little boy is a small man now. Surely this happened overnight, right?

He sure does look good in yellow.

Did I mention how I’m not ready for this?

I promised this year that I would do better. With his heavier work load, I feel like I’m even more obligated (I don’t mean that in a bad way) to be there for him every day. So when he’s sitting at the table doing homework, I’m sitting right there with him. I go over his planner with him every single day. We set goals every week. We practice his spelling tests together every week. I can even check his grades online now, so we are doing that regularly, too. We also invested in a nice zipper binder for him to carry all day; he says it really does help him stay organized.

How did you and your child adjust to middle school? Do you have any tips or advice to help me or other parents who are making this transition?

I have not blogged in a rather long time. Call it writer’s block, I’m too embarrassed to talk about my [lack of] weight loss, I don’t know what to say, I have too much to say and don’t know where to start. Call it whatever you want, procrastination. Time to get over it.

In a nutshell: I haven’t lost weight, we got a third dog, and my son started 6th grade. Work is good. Home is good. Marriage is good. The dogs are good. The boy is better than he’s been in a long, long time. I don’t think I can recall a time in my life where I’ve been happier.

My life has been challenging. It’s never really just been easy. It’s not been terrible either, but there’s always one thing or another. Here’s the highly condensed version.  Grew up with alcoholism all around me, got picked on and teased all the way through school, married a closet alcoholic and dealt with him for far too long, and then struggled through the financial and emotional burden of being a single mom for several years. Yeah. Things were never easy. Then I had a great guy who didn’t want to be a dad. That was pretty heartbreaking. He changed his mind but then struggled with a long term commitment. Then the ex took off and broke the kid. Finally got married to that great guy. Still had a lot of financial struggles. Then the ex came back and threw everything out of alignment. Then the Great Guy adopted the kid [very expensive]. A year after that the ex took off again and threw everything even further out of alignment for the kid. Then I royally hurt my back [no surgery required, but lots of chiropractic and physical therapy]. Then the kid made some tough choices. The end of his 5th grade was very tough for him, both emotionally and academically. Mom worried.

Then the good. A lot of the financial problems began to resolve. The boy started smiling more. Yoga helped my back. The boy worried less. He played more. I felt good. Hubs & I actually went on a short vacation. The summer went on and things kept improving. Then I worried about the boy starting 6th grade. Now over a week into it, the boy is doing exceptionally well. And he’s still happy. Happier than we’ve seen him in a long time. His sadness, anxiety, and worry are gone. He’s.. a pretty normal 6th grade boy.

And life is Just Good. Is everything perfect? Nah. Still a few loose ends to tie up with the financials. But there’s no more worry about making ends meet. House is a little small for three people and three dogs. Wouldn’t mind an upgrade. But the house we have is nice. Comfortable. In good repair. Carpet is a little.. meh.. Did I mention three dogs? Oh well. My heart is happy and content. And I did get a shiny new car for my birthday. My old car was becoming its very own financial burden! So that is resolved. Now I don’t need to worry about my car starting anymore. That’s really nice. And then I was asked to be in a wedding in England. That was very flattering and exciting, but presented its own stack of worries. Paying for three passports and three plane tickets.. that’s pretty expensive! But it’s all taken care of now. Plane tickets are purchased, and passports should be here soon.

I really can’t say that I’ve ever been happier on an overall sustained level than I am right now. I am so blessed. Now, at the age of 32, I finally feel like my struggles are over. I’ve always been grateful, knowing things always could have been worse for me. I’m sure many of my readers have had more difficult times, so don’t misunderstand me. There is also no fooling, I know things won’t always be great.  There will be more struggles ahead, I’m sure. But right now, there are virtually none, which is the least amount I can remember in my life. And it is Wonderful. And I am Happy.

So earlier this week, on the 22nd to be exact, I was really angry at myself. Angry that I haven’t been good to myself, I haven’t been as good a friend I want to be, nor have I been as good a part-time house wife as I could. I made some promises: to move more (exercise), to drink more water, to eat better, to stay up on my friends’ blogs, to manage my time better, to get back on the ball with my house. I don’t promise to become perfect overnight, but I promise to do better. I will live like the person I want to be.

How have I done? Well to be honest, pretty good. I got Google Reader up and going again and I’ve been reading blogs and commenting. Of course, I don’t have everyone on there, but this is a baby steps program for me. I feel a little bit like I know my friends better. My blogging friends, anyway. I’ve done better with water, most days. I’ve been eating better. I’ve been exercising more. My living room, kitchen, and master bathroom are extremely clean.

I’m pretty proud of myself. I’m living more like the person I want to be. And it feels great.

That is all.

Okay so I made some really bad food choices over the last few days. Not that I’ve been making such great ones lately in general, but I felt awful after what I ate last night. Just awful. Now I wake up this morning just plain mad and disgusted with myself. Seriously, I had lost 30 pounds and look at me. Just look at me. I have gained most of it back. I’m so angry and ashamed. Yes fine it’s not my fault I hurt my back, but that shouldn’t have been an excuse to eat like crap. I could have still been eating well even if I couldn’t do much for exercise. But I didn’t. I didn’t eat smart.

Why is it so hard for me? My schedule changes and the routine falls apart. My back hurts and I don’t want to make it hurt more. Well I’ve decided that I just need to get over it. I’ll deal with some pain and not push too hard, but I have to do something. I can’t be this fat person. I just can’t. I hate looking in the mirror, I miss the way I looked when I was 176 pounds. I need to turn this disgust with myself into motivation. If I did it once, I can do it again, right?

I have this amazing network of people, Mamavation, and I’m ashamed to even show my face. I hide when things start to go downhill. What’s the point in that? How does that do me any good? Why should I expect others to support me when I’m not so good with consistency myself? What kind of an example am I setting? My word.. how lame am I?

So. I’m done whining. Now I have to figure out how I’m going to do this again. How am I going to change my eating habits again? How am I going to keep my family interested in meals? How do I get my husband on board? He needs to lose a lot more than I do. It feels like I’m the only one worried about his health and that scares me.

Well. It’s back to the drawing board. What to eat. When and how to exercise. Time to plan. I’m done venting now. I just have to do this, and so I am.

**Afternoon update

Yeah so I got pretty mad at myself. Obviously. I went to the YMCA and sweat it off and thought a lot. Today I promise: to move more (exercise), to drink more water, to eat better, to stay up on my friends’ blogs, to manage my time better, to get back on the ball with my house. I don’t promise to become perfect overnight, but I promise to do better. I will live like the person I want to be.

I measured my tortellini and pesto and followed it up with fresh carrots and cucumbers for lunch. I’ve had over 40 oz of water (so far). At the gym I spent 40 minutes on the arc trainer. And now I’m going to get off here and do some chores. Today is a new day.

I’ve re-written this post at least 20 times in my head. Where to begin. How to put into words the feelings and emotions that are going through me. Every time I consider the love and devotion that my husband has shown this family I just feel overwhelmed. Biologically, our son is not his. Emotionally…well that’s another story.

If you remove the events prior to 2003, there’s no question that DS belongs to DH. They belong to each other.

And it started a long time ago. The above photo is from early 2003. Little Man is only about 2 and a half.

That’s a happy looking man right there.

This one is from just a few months after the wedding.  Little Man asked for hubs to be his “for real dad”.

And here… is hours after the court hearing on this day last year. The smiles on those faces (mine too) are priceless. Little Man’s dream came true, and I think that applies for all of us in this house.  This “For Real Dad” loves his son as much as any “for real dad” could. As far as I’m concerned, that loving blue-eyed man is the only father that little boy has ever had.

We are lucky and blessed to have been able to do a step-parent adoption with no contest. The unfortunate thing for so many other families like us is the cost of the process. We shouldn’t need to be rich to do what is best for our children. It is a very costly and time-consuming process. But for us it was worth every penny, and every year, month, week, day, and minute of waiting.

Happy Adoption Anniversary to my husband and our son.

When I talk about balance, I’m not exactly referring to the physical kind.  Maybe you wonder where I’ve been since August, maybe you didn’t notice I was gone.  I was finding life to be overwhelming and something had to give.  It’s unfortunate that I had to take a break from anything, but twitter, Mamavation, and my blog were the things I chose to move to the back burner.

I was not completely sedentary during my time off, don’t get me wrong.  My tendinitis in my right forearm and then the subsequent blowing out of a disc in my low back had me down and out.  Wah, wah.  Life is hard sometimes.  Things happen beyond our control.  My chiropractor did well for my back, and eventually we gave up on physical therapy for the arm.  A little over a month ago they gave me a cortisone shot which has been a blessing.  There is now very little to no pain at all in my arm!  Woo hoo!!

Now while my back and arm were causing me problems, the house became a serious issue.  Bending, stooping, pushing the vacuum, washing heavy dishes (like my big skillet or crock-pot) are simple tasks we take for granted on a day-to-day basis, believe me. The bottom of the washing machine, the bottom rack of the dishwasher, and picking things up off the floor were nearly impossible or crazy painful for my back.  I thought hard about my home and the kind of keeper of it I am. The answer: not great.  My house wasn’t dirty, but it wasn’t tidy, organized, or picked up.

Enter FlyLady.  What’s FlyLady?  Learning to FLY.  ”Finally Loving Yourself.”  It’s learning how to balance life a bit including maintaining the home.  This. Is. Great.  I am so glad that a friend of mine shared this website with me.  I was suffering from CHAOS (Can’t Have Anyone Over Syndrome) but my house has been mostly presentable and nice since a few weeks before Christmas.

Now I am trying to re-implement fitness into my daily schedule as I also return to my job.  That’s all I went to blog about today.  Clean home, planned meals, fitness, job, happy family.  I know these things come easy to other moms, but doing it all is something I struggle with.  Then the first thing to take the backseat is always ME when things get hectic.  This is where I fail!

Balance.  Accountability.  Routine. I can do this.

How do you balance life and still find time for yourself and fitness?