Okay so I made some really bad food choices over the last few days. Not that I’ve been making such great ones lately in general, but I felt awful after what I ate last night. Just awful. Now I wake up this morning just plain mad and disgusted with myself. Seriously, I had lost 30 pounds and look at me. Just look at me. I have gained most of it back. I’m so angry and ashamed. Yes fine it’s not my fault I hurt my back, but that shouldn’t have been an excuse to eat like crap. I could have still been eating well even if I couldn’t do much for exercise. But I didn’t. I didn’t eat smart.

Why is it so hard for me? My schedule changes and the routine falls apart. My back hurts and I don’t want to make it hurt more. Well I’ve decided that I just need to get over it. I’ll deal with some pain and not push too hard, but I have to do something. I can’t be this fat person. I just can’t. I hate looking in the mirror, I miss the way I looked when I was 176 pounds. I need to turn this disgust with myself into motivation. If I did it once, I can do it again, right?

I have this amazing network of people, Mamavation, and I’m ashamed to even show my face. I hide when things start to go downhill. What’s the point in that? How does that do me any good? Why should I expect others to support me when I’m not so good with consistency myself? What kind of an example am I setting? My word.. how lame am I?

So. I’m done whining. Now I have to figure out how I’m going to do this again. How am I going to change my eating habits again? How am I going to keep my family interested in meals? How do I get my husband on board? He needs to lose a lot more than I do. It feels like I’m the only one worried about his health and that scares me.

Well. It’s back to the drawing board. What to eat. When and how to exercise. Time to plan. I’m done venting now. I just have to do this, and so I am.

**Afternoon update

Yeah so I got pretty mad at myself. Obviously. I went to the YMCA and sweat it off and thought a lot. Today I promise: to move more (exercise), to drink more water, to eat better, to stay up on my friends’ blogs, to manage my time better, to get back on the ball with my house. I don’t promise to become perfect overnight, but I promise to do better. I will live like the person I want to be.

I measured my tortellini and pesto and followed it up with fresh carrots and cucumbers for lunch. I’ve had over 40 oz of water (so far). At the gym I spent 40 minutes on the arc trainer. And now I’m going to get off here and do some chores. Today is a new day.

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